| I moved into a new office recently and was | | | | organic cotton underwear years ago."And with |
| unpacking when I realized I was fading fast | | | | that we, or rather Grandma and Mr. Pibs, |
| and needed a caffeine fix. Seems my Starbucks | | | | laughed and chatted away the afternoon. Those |
| cappuccino machine had gotten lost with the | | | | two hit it off so well I found myself a |
| movers. I panicked."Now what?" I thought. I | | | | little bored. Just as well, I could not get |
| had never gone a full afternoon without a | | | | Mr. Pibs''marketing strategy' out of my mind. |
| latte. I knew something would happen if I | | | | Well, at least the US postal service would |
| didn't get one, and it would probably be the | | | | not go out of business anytime soon with Mr. |
| kind of thing that would come up with my | | | | Pibs around. I sat there watching those two |
| therapist, so skipping my caffeine fix was | | | | laugh it up, and shook my head in disbelief |
| not an option. I already had two pages of | | | | at my grandmother's Victoria's Secret curler |
| issues we were covering. I guess the | | | | coverer. Mr. Pibs' marketing strategy was a |
| unpacking would have to be put on hold.I set | | | | lot like those underwear. Old, out of shape, |
| my Starbucks radar on full alert and followed | | | | and all sagged out.I met Mr. Pibs again for |
| the trail of casual business attire. Sure | | | | coffee (without the distraction of Grammy and |
| enough, two blocks later I found a Starbucks | | | | her head gitch) and mentioned to him that any |
| on the corner. As I pulled open the door, a | | | | company that was not active online and using |
| tiny gentleman whisked in under my arm. And | | | | Email Marketing might want to retire. He |
| that is how I met Mr. Pibs.Mr. Pibs had been | | | | agreed that his whole approach should be put |
| coming to that particular Starbucks since it | | | | in a rest home. It was kind of tough |
| opened. Every afternoon about the same time | | | | explaining all that Email Marketing stuff to |
| as my current 'mind fade,' he too needed a | | | | Mr.Pibs; he was a real Email Marketing |
| fix. We got our coffees and made our way to | | | | newbie.I struggled for a bit with analogies |
| the comfy chairs.Mr. Pibs told me he was in | | | | and realized the image of those saggy |
| wholesale pet supplies and owned his own | | | | underwear on my Grandma's head was a perfect |
| manufacturing facility. He started up 25 | | | | place to start. I kept going with the gonch |
| years ago with a tiny shop in his garage and | | | | theme and Mr. Pibs slowly began to understand |
| now leased a 200,000 square foot facility and | | | | the difference in each type of Email |
| employed over fifty workers. We sipped our | | | | Marketing approach. We talked Email Marketing |
| coffees and chatted about business. I asked | | | | strategy and how a drawer full of a variety |
| him how he marketed his products to potential | | | | of underwear styles was truly the best option |
| retail outlets."We have a subscriber-based | | | | for total marketing support.If you are having |
| mailing list," he said. "About 2500 quality | | | | a tough time explaining Email Marketing to |
| pet stores across the US."I was impressed! | | | | your antique boss or your clients, feel free |
| 2500 leads does not sound like much but these | | | | to try on some of these. They worked with Mr. |
| stores had asked to be contacted. The stores | | | | Pibs so I am sure they will work for |
| were real, potential buyers looking for | | | | you.Broadcast Messages are like Thongs: These |
| product. "So do you keep in touch monthly or | | | | little numbers work great at announcing, "Hey |
| do you find seasonal works better?" I | | | | look at me,look at all the stuff I have to |
| casually asked."Monthly!" Mr. Pibs exclaimed | | | | offer...right now!" You do want to exercise |
| in horror. "That would be $50,000 of postage | | | | some restraint, however. Just like you don't |
| a year! No, we send our full color brochure | | | | want to be wearing a thong everyday, neither |
| on an annual basis, costs us about $4000 in | | | | would you send a broadcast message |
| mailing fees. I pull a few ladies off the | | | | everyday.Auto-Responders are like Full |
| assembly line and get them licking stamps and | | | | Figured Women's Petty Pants: If you are not |
| stuffing envelopes. We've been doing our | | | | up on full-figured petty pants, they look |
| marketing like this since the second year we | | | | more like a pair of long tight shorts. Large |
| started. Sure is great that printing is a lot | | | | figured women wear petty pants to prevent the |
| cheaper these days. Saves us a bundle!"I | | | | thighs from rubbing together. Similarly, |
| gagged on the foam in my cup and felt a | | | | auto-responders prevent the chafing away of |
| familiar feeling come over me. Before I knew | | | | your time and resources due to answering the |
| it I was standing and waving my arms around | | | | same queries over and over and over. Women's |
| my head in large circles."Mr.Pibs, are you | | | | petty pants make all figures, regardless of |
| insane?" I yelled at the top of my lungs, and | | | | size, look like a million bucks. |
| started to rant, arms waving. "What marketing | | | | Auto-Responders make you look like a hero |
| cave did you just crawl out of? Why not put | | | | with timely helpful responses no matter if it |
| your catalogue online? Why not use a regular | | | | is just you running the show or a whole |
| Email Marketing campaign to keep in touch | | | | office full of customer service |
| with the pet stores on a regular basis? Are | | | | reps.Regularly Delivered E-Newsletters are |
| you anti-technology? Why are on earth are you | | | | like 100% Cotton Briefs: For regular wear you |
| sending all that stuff by mail?.." And then I | | | | can't beat a pair of 100% cotton briefs and |
| realized I hardly knew this man and was | | | | for customer retention you can't beat a |
| basically telling him he was a buffoon. But I | | | | regularly delivered e-newsletter. Everyone |
| didn't have time to compose myself because at | | | | prefers a different cut of brief depending on |
| that very moment, when I was in mid-sentence | | | | the amount of desired coverage, and it's no |
| of my Email Marketing rant, in walked my | | | | different in the email world. Every company |
| grandmother.Crap! I had forgotten Grammy was | | | | has a different idea of what their regular |
| going to meet me at my new office! She | | | | e-zine will cover and what kind of promotion |
| quickly spotted me and made a beeline in my | | | | it will give their products and services.Mr. |
| direction. As she got closer I noticed she | | | | Pibs and I still meet at the Starbucks once a |
| had a very odd looking hat on her head. It | | | | week or so for our afternoon caffeine fix. |
| was all bumpy and sort of looked like a bag. | | | | His company has really taken off since he got |
| I noticed a familiar looking label:Victoria's | | | | on board with Email Marketing. I think he |
| Secret.Since when did Victoria's Secret make | | | | will probably be moving into a larger |
| hats?But I did not have time to ask, I had to | | | | warehouse in the New Year just to keep up |
| make Grandma think we were supposed to meet | | | | with orders. He even launched a new product |
| at the Starbucks and I also had to make up | | | | line (via email, of course)to celebrate - |
| quick with Mr. Pibs before my new friend | | | | Pudgy Puppy Petty Pants.And the infamous |
| thought I was a lunatic.I turned to Mr.Pibs, | | | | curler cover? We did not realize it until |
| and noticed he was frozen, mouth hanging open | | | | later that day but Grandma's saggy underwear |
| in shock at my Email Marketing, arm waving, | | | | got left on the table at Starbucks along with |
| soapbox speech.Grandma grabbed the vacant | | | | a business card I had whipped out during my |
| seat next to Mr. Pibs and plopped herself | | | | Email Marketing rant. I wonder who discovered |
| down, scooching her behind, desperately | | | | the saggy gonch? Would I ever find out? Would |
| trying to get it past the arm rests.Mr. Pibs | | | | the discoverer of those skivvies become a |
| thawed and whispered in horror, "That women | | | | future client? I'll keep you posted if |
| has a pair of underwear -- on her head."And | | | | anything materializes.And me? My Starbucks |
| sure enough my Grandmother did indeed have a | | | | cappuccino machine surfaced after three |
| pair of Victoria's Secret underwear on her | | | | months of traveling around the western states |
| head, covering up a mass of curlers.I | | | | but I still find my way down the block most |
| gasped."Child," my grandmother said, "I have | | | | afternoons. I've also been reworking my own |
| been looking everywhere for you!" Noticing | | | | regular email marketing campaign in light of |
| Mr. Pibs, and unaware he and I had been | | | | my decision to try a lower cut brief for |
| having a conversation, Grandma looked a | | | | regular wear. Revealing more product details |
| little alarmed at my tiny frozen friend. No | | | | is proving to be very effective. My |
| surprise; the lack of color in his face was | | | | conversion rate indicates my customers are |
| hard to miss. "Tiny man," she said, "You look | | | | really appreciating the increased exposure |
| ill, is the coffee too strong for your tiny | | | | I'm giving my products and services.Is your |
| stomach?""Grandma," I spoke slowly, turning | | | | marketing approach a little sagged, over |
| toward Mr. Pibs. "This is my new friend, Mr. | | | | stretched and worn out? Try Email Marketing |
| Pibs." | | | | on for size. It comes in all sorts of cuts |
| | | | and styles guaranteed to boost your bottom |
| Then: "Mr. Pibs, I apologize for my Email | | | | line.Brought to you by the -- Email Marketing |
| Marketing rant, this is my Grammy. We had a | | | | Club: |
| coffee date this afternoon."My grandmother | | | | |
| stretched out her hand in a gesture of | | | | The only place on the Internet where Email |
| welcome. Mr.Pibs sat still, staring at my | | | | Marketing is FUN!Join now and receive a gift |
| grandmother's hair curler cover."Woman, why | | | | - guaranteed to increase your status with |
| is there underwear on your head?""Oh this?" | | | | your friends, co-workers and boss. Click |
| she said, as she whipped off the | | | | below: |
| over-stretched skivvies, uncovering an array | | | | |
| of pink and white curlers. "These are old and | | | | out Joan Pasay, The Email Marketing Coach |
| all stretched out of shape from too many | | | | at good karma, forward this article to |
| years on the rear. This pair works great to | | | | everyone you know who has an email address. |
| keeps my curlers in place. I upgraded to | | | | |