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Email Marketing Lesson: Your Marketing Reminds Me Of My Grandmother's Saggy Underwear

I moved into a new office recently and wasorganic cotton underwear years ago."And with
unpacking when I realized I was fading fastthat we, or rather Grandma and Mr. Pibs,
and needed a caffeine fix. Seems my Starbuckslaughed and chatted away the afternoon. Those
cappuccino machine had gotten lost with thetwo hit it off so well I found myself a
movers. I panicked."Now what?" I thought. Ilittle bored. Just as well, I could not get
had never gone a full afternoon without aMr. Pibs''marketing strategy' out of my mind.
latte. I knew something would happen if IWell, at least the US postal service would
didn't get one, and it would probably be thenot go out of business anytime soon with Mr.
kind of thing that would come up with myPibs around. I sat there watching those two
therapist, so skipping my caffeine fix waslaugh it up, and shook my head in disbelief
not an option. I already had two pages ofat my grandmother's Victoria's Secret curler
issues we were covering. I guess thecoverer. Mr. Pibs' marketing strategy was a
unpacking would have to be put on hold.I setlot like those underwear. Old, out of shape,
my Starbucks radar on full alert and followedand all sagged out.I met Mr. Pibs again for
the trail of casual business attire. Surecoffee (without the distraction of Grammy and
enough, two blocks later I found a Starbucksher head gitch) and mentioned to him that any
on the corner. As I pulled open the door, acompany that was not active online and using
tiny gentleman whisked in under my arm. AndEmail Marketing might want to retire. He
that is how I met Mr. Pibs.Mr. Pibs had beenagreed that his whole approach should be put
coming to that particular Starbucks since itin a rest home. It was kind of tough
opened. Every afternoon about the same timeexplaining all that Email Marketing stuff to
as my current 'mind fade,' he too needed aMr.Pibs; he was a real Email Marketing
fix. We got our coffees and made our way tonewbie.I struggled for a bit with analogies
the comfy chairs.Mr. Pibs told me he was inand realized the image of those saggy
wholesale pet supplies and owned his ownunderwear on my Grandma's head was a perfect
manufacturing facility. He started up 25place to start. I kept going with the gonch
years ago with a tiny shop in his garage andtheme and Mr. Pibs slowly began to understand
now leased a 200,000 square foot facility andthe difference in each type of Email
employed over fifty workers. We sipped ourMarketing approach. We talked Email Marketing
coffees and chatted about business. I askedstrategy and how a drawer full of a variety
him how he marketed his products to potentialof underwear styles was truly the best option
retail outlets."We have a subscriber-basedfor total marketing support.If you are having
mailing list," he said. "About 2500 qualitya tough time explaining Email Marketing to
pet stores across the US."I was impressed!your antique boss or your clients, feel free
2500 leads does not sound like much but theseto try on some of these. They worked with Mr.
stores had asked to be contacted. The storesPibs so I am sure they will work for
were real, potential buyers looking foryou.Broadcast Messages are like Thongs: These
product. "So do you keep in touch monthly orlittle numbers work great at announcing, "Hey
do you find seasonal works better?" Ilook at me,look at all the stuff I have to
casually asked."Monthly!" Mr. Pibs exclaimedoffer...right now!" You do want to exercise
in horror. "That would be $50,000 of postagesome restraint, however. Just like you don't
a year! No, we send our full color brochurewant to be wearing a thong everyday, neither
on an annual basis, costs us about $4000 inwould you send a broadcast message
mailing fees. I pull a few ladies off theeveryday.Auto-Responders are like Full
assembly line and get them licking stamps andFigured Women's Petty Pants: If you are not
stuffing envelopes. We've been doing ourup on full-figured petty pants, they look
marketing like this since the second year wemore like a pair of long tight shorts. Large
started. Sure is great that printing is a lotfigured women wear petty pants to prevent the
cheaper these days. Saves us a bundle!"Ithighs from rubbing together. Similarly,
gagged on the foam in my cup and felt aauto-responders prevent the chafing away of
familiar feeling come over me. Before I knewyour time and resources due to answering the
it I was standing and waving my arms aroundsame queries over and over and over. Women's
my head in large circles."Mr.Pibs, are youpetty pants make all figures, regardless of
insane?" I yelled at the top of my lungs, andsize, look like a million bucks.
started to rant, arms waving. "What marketingAuto-Responders make you look like a hero
cave did you just crawl out of? Why not putwith timely helpful responses no matter if it
your catalogue online? Why not use a regularis just you running the show or a whole
Email Marketing campaign to keep in touchoffice full of customer service
with the pet stores on a regular basis? Arereps.Regularly Delivered E-Newsletters are
you anti-technology? Why are on earth are youlike 100% Cotton Briefs: For regular wear you
sending all that stuff by mail?.." And then Ican't beat a pair of 100% cotton briefs and
realized I hardly knew this man and wasfor customer retention you can't beat a
basically telling him he was a buffoon. But Iregularly delivered e-newsletter. Everyone
didn't have time to compose myself because atprefers a different cut of brief depending on
that very moment, when I was in mid-sentencethe amount of desired coverage, and it's no
of my Email Marketing rant, in walked mydifferent in the email world. Every company
grandmother.Crap! I had forgotten Grammy washas a different idea of what their regular
going to meet me at my new office! Shee-zine will cover and what kind of promotion
quickly spotted me and made a beeline in myit will give their products and services.Mr.
direction. As she got closer I noticed shePibs and I still meet at the Starbucks once a
had a very odd looking hat on her head. Itweek or so for our afternoon caffeine fix.
was all bumpy and sort of looked like a bag.His company has really taken off since he got
I noticed a familiar looking label:Victoria'son board with Email Marketing. I think he
Secret.Since when did Victoria's Secret makewill probably be moving into a larger
hats?But I did not have time to ask, I had towarehouse in the New Year just to keep up
make Grandma think we were supposed to meetwith orders. He even launched a new product
at the Starbucks and I also had to make upline (via email, of course)to celebrate -
quick with Mr. Pibs before my new friendPudgy Puppy Petty Pants.And the infamous
thought I was a lunatic.I turned to Mr.Pibs,curler cover? We did not realize it until
and noticed he was frozen, mouth hanging openlater that day but Grandma's saggy underwear
in shock at my Email Marketing, arm waving,got left on the table at Starbucks along with
soapbox speech.Grandma grabbed the vacanta business card I had whipped out during my
seat next to Mr. Pibs and plopped herselfEmail Marketing rant. I wonder who discovered
down, scooching her behind, desperatelythe saggy gonch? Would I ever find out? Would
trying to get it past the arm rests.Mr. Pibsthe discoverer of those skivvies become a
thawed and whispered in horror, "That womenfuture client? I'll keep you posted if
has a pair of underwear -- on her head."Andanything materializes.And me? My Starbucks
sure enough my Grandmother did indeed have acappuccino machine surfaced after three
pair of Victoria's Secret underwear on hermonths of traveling around the western states
head, covering up a mass of curlers.Ibut I still find my way down the block most
gasped."Child," my grandmother said, "I haveafternoons. I've also been reworking my own
been looking everywhere for you!" Noticingregular email marketing campaign in light of
Mr. Pibs, and unaware he and I had beenmy decision to try a lower cut brief for
having a conversation, Grandma looked aregular wear. Revealing more product details
little alarmed at my tiny frozen friend. Nois proving to be very effective. My
surprise; the lack of color in his face wasconversion rate indicates my customers are
hard to miss. "Tiny man," she said, "You lookreally appreciating the increased exposure
ill, is the coffee too strong for your tinyI'm giving my products and services.Is your
stomach?""Grandma," I spoke slowly, turningmarketing approach a little sagged, over
toward Mr. Pibs. "This is my new friend, Mr.stretched and worn out? Try Email Marketing
Pibs."on for size. It comes in all sorts of cuts
and styles guaranteed to boost your bottom
Then: "Mr. Pibs, I apologize for my Emailline.Brought to you by the -- Email Marketing
Marketing rant, this is my Grammy. We had aClub:
coffee date this afternoon."My grandmother
stretched out her hand in a gesture ofThe only place on the Internet where Email
welcome. Mr.Pibs sat still, staring at myMarketing is FUN!Join now and receive a gift
grandmother's hair curler cover."Woman, why- guaranteed to increase your status with
is there underwear on your head?""Oh this?"your friends, co-workers and boss. Click
she said, as she whipped off thebelow:
over-stretched skivvies, uncovering an array
of pink and white curlers. "These are old andout Joan Pasay, The Email Marketing Coach
all stretched out of shape from too manyat good karma, forward this article to
years on the rear. This pair works great toeveryone you know who has an email address.
keeps my curlers in place. I upgraded to



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