| I moved into a new office recently and was | | | | my curlers in place. I upgraded to organic cotton |
| unpacking when I realized I was fading fast and | | | | underwear years ago."And with that we, or rather |
| needed a caffeine fix. Seems my Starbucks | | | | Grandma and Mr. Pibs, laughed and chatted away |
| cappuccino machine had gotten lost with the | | | | the afternoon. Those two hit it off so well I found |
| movers. I panicked."Now what?" I thought. I had | | | | myself a little bored. Just as well, I could not get |
| never gone a full afternoon without a latte. I | | | | Mr. Pibs''marketing strategy' out of my mind. Well, |
| knew something would happen if I didn't get one, | | | | at least the US postal service would not go out of |
| and it would probably be the kind of thing that | | | | business anytime soon with Mr. Pibs around. I sat |
| would come up with my therapist, so skipping my | | | | there watching those two laugh it up, and shook |
| caffeine fix was not an option. I already had two | | | | my head in disbelief at my grandmother's |
| pages of issues we were covering. I guess the | | | | Victoria's Secret curler coverer. Mr. Pibs' marketing |
| unpacking would have to be put on hold.I set my | | | | strategy was a lot like those underwear. Old, out |
| Starbucks radar on full alert and followed the trail | | | | of shape, and all sagged out.I met Mr. Pibs again |
| of casual business attire. Sure enough, two blocks | | | | for coffee (without the distraction of Grammy |
| later I found a Starbucks on the corner. As I | | | | and her head gitch) and mentioned to him that |
| pulled open the door, a tiny gentleman whisked in | | | | any company that was not active online and using |
| under my arm. And that is how I met Mr. Pibs.Mr. | | | | Email Marketing might want to retire. He agreed |
| Pibs had been coming to that particular Starbucks | | | | that his whole approach should be put in a rest |
| since it opened. Every afternoon about the same | | | | home. It was kind of tough explaining all that Email |
| time as my current 'mind fade,' he too needed a | | | | Marketing stuff to Mr.Pibs; he was a real Email |
| fix. We got our coffees and made our way to | | | | Marketing newbie.I struggled for a bit with |
| the comfy chairs.Mr. Pibs told me he was in | | | | analogies and realized the image of those saggy |
| wholesale pet supplies and owned his own | | | | underwear on my Grandma's head was a perfect |
| manufacturing facility. He started up 25 years ago | | | | place to start. I kept going with the gonch theme |
| with a tiny shop in his garage and now leased a | | | | and Mr. Pibs slowly began to understand the |
| 200,000 square foot facility and employed over | | | | difference in each type of Email Marketing |
| fifty workers. We sipped our coffees and chatted | | | | approach. We talked Email Marketing strategy and |
| about business. I asked him how he marketed his | | | | how a drawer full of a variety of underwear |
| products to potential retail outlets."We have a | | | | styles was truly the best option for total |
| subscriber-based mailing list," he said. "About 2500 | | | | marketing support.If you are having a tough time |
| quality pet stores across the US."I was impressed! | | | | explaining Email Marketing to your antique boss or |
| 2500 leads does not sound like much but these | | | | your clients, feel free to try on some of these. |
| stores had asked to be contacted. The stores | | | | They worked with Mr. Pibs so I am sure they will |
| were real, potential buyers looking for product. | | | | work for you.Broadcast Messages are like Thongs: |
| "So do you keep in touch monthly or do you find | | | | These little numbers work great at announcing, |
| seasonal works better?" I casually asked."Monthly!" | | | | "Hey look at me,look at all the stuff I have to |
| Mr. Pibs exclaimed in horror. "That would be | | | | offer...right now!" You do want to exercise some |
| $50,000 of postage a year! No, we send our full | | | | restraint, however. Just like you don't want to be |
| color brochure on an annual basis, costs us about | | | | wearing a thong everyday, neither would you |
| $4000 in mailing fees. I pull a few ladies off the | | | | send a broadcast message |
| assembly line and get them licking stamps and | | | | everyday.Auto-Responders are like Full Figured |
| stuffing envelopes. We've been doing our | | | | Women's Petty Pants: If you are not up on |
| marketing like this since the second year we | | | | full-figured petty pants, they look more like a pair |
| started. Sure is great that printing is a lot cheaper | | | | of long tight shorts. Large figured women wear |
| these days. Saves us a bundle!"I gagged on the | | | | petty pants to prevent the thighs from rubbing |
| foam in my cup and felt a familiar feeling come | | | | together. Similarly, auto-responders prevent the |
| over me. Before I knew it I was standing and | | | | chafing away of your time and resources due to |
| waving my arms around my head in large | | | | answering the same queries over and over and |
| circles."Mr.Pibs, are you insane?" I yelled at the top | | | | over. Women's petty pants make all figures, |
| of my lungs, and started to rant, arms waving. | | | | regardless of size, look like a million bucks. |
| "What marketing cave did you just crawl out of? | | | | Auto-Responders make you look like a hero with |
| Why not put your catalogue online? Why not use | | | | timely helpful responses no matter if it is just you |
| a regular Email Marketing campaign to keep in | | | | running the show or a whole office full of |
| touch with the pet stores on a regular basis? Are | | | | customer service reps.Regularly Delivered |
| you anti-technology? Why are on earth are you | | | | E-Newsletters are like 100% Cotton Briefs: For |
| sending all that stuff by mail?.." And then I realized | | | | regular wear you can't beat a pair of 100% |
| I hardly knew this man and was basically telling | | | | cotton briefs and for customer retention you |
| him he was a buffoon. But I didn't have time to | | | | can't beat a regularly delivered e-newsletter. |
| compose myself because at that very moment, | | | | Everyone prefers a different cut of brief |
| when I was in mid-sentence of my Email | | | | depending on the amount of desired coverage, |
| Marketing rant, in walked my grandmother.Crap! I | | | | and it's no different in the email world. Every |
| had forgotten Grammy was going to meet me at | | | | company has a different idea of what their |
| my new office! She quickly spotted me and made | | | | regular e-zine will cover and what kind of |
| a beeline in my direction. As she got closer I | | | | promotion it will give their products and |
| noticed she had a very odd looking hat on her | | | | services.Mr. Pibs and I still meet at the Starbucks |
| head. It was all bumpy and sort of looked like a | | | | once a week or so for our afternoon caffeine fix. |
| bag. I noticed a familiar looking label:Victoria's | | | | His company has really taken off since he got on |
| Secret.Since when did Victoria's Secret make | | | | board with Email Marketing. I think he will probably |
| hats?But I did not have time to ask, I had to | | | | be moving into a larger warehouse in the New |
| make Grandma think we were supposed to meet | | | | Year just to keep up with orders. He even |
| at the Starbucks and I also had to make up quick | | | | launched a new product line (via email, of |
| with Mr. Pibs before my new friend thought I was | | | | course)to celebrate - Pudgy Puppy Petty |
| a lunatic.I turned to Mr.Pibs, and noticed he was | | | | Pants.And the infamous curler cover? We did not |
| frozen, mouth hanging open in shock at my Email | | | | realize it until later that day but Grandma's saggy |
| Marketing, arm waving, soapbox speech.Grandma | | | | underwear got left on the table at Starbucks |
| grabbed the vacant seat next to Mr. Pibs and | | | | along with a business card I had whipped out |
| plopped herself down, scooching her behind, | | | | during my Email Marketing rant. I wonder who |
| desperately trying to get it past the arm rests.Mr. | | | | discovered the saggy gonch? Would I ever find |
| Pibs thawed and whispered in horror, "That | | | | out? Would the discoverer of those skivvies |
| women has a pair of underwear -- on her | | | | become a future client? I'll keep you posted if |
| head."And sure enough my Grandmother did | | | | anything materializes.And me? My Starbucks |
| indeed have a pair of Victoria's Secret underwear | | | | cappuccino machine surfaced after three months |
| on her head, covering up a mass of curlers.I | | | | of traveling around the western states but I still |
| gasped."Child," my grandmother said, "I have been | | | | find my way down the block most afternoons. |
| looking everywhere for you!" Noticing Mr. Pibs, and | | | | I've also been reworking my own regular email |
| unaware he and I had been having a conversation, | | | | marketing campaign in light of my decision to try |
| Grandma looked a little alarmed at my tiny frozen | | | | a lower cut brief for regular wear. Revealing more |
| friend. No surprise; the lack of color in his face | | | | product details is proving to be very effective. My |
| was hard to miss. "Tiny man," she said, "You look | | | | conversion rate indicates my customers are really |
| ill, is the coffee too strong for your tiny | | | | appreciating the increased exposure I'm giving my |
| stomach?""Grandma," I spoke slowly, turning | | | | products and services.Is your marketing approach |
| toward Mr. Pibs. "This is my new friend, Mr. Pibs." | | | | a little sagged, over stretched and worn out? Try |
| Then: "Mr. Pibs, I apologize for my Email | | | | Email Marketing on for size. It comes in all sorts |
| Marketing rant, this is my Grammy. We had a | | | | of cuts and styles guaranteed to boost your |
| coffee date this afternoon."My grandmother | | | | bottom line.Brought to you by the -- Email |
| stretched out her hand in a gesture of welcome. | | | | Marketing Club: |
| Mr.Pibs sat still, staring at my grandmother's hair | | | | The only place on the Internet where Email |
| curler cover."Woman, why is there underwear on | | | | Marketing is FUN!Join now and receive a gift - |
| your head?""Oh this?" she said, as she whipped | | | | guaranteed to increase your status with your |
| off the over-stretched skivvies, uncovering an | | | | friends, co-workers and boss. Click below: |
| array of pink and white curlers. "These are old | | | | out Joan Pasay, The Email Marketing Coach at |
| and all stretched out of shape from too many | | | | good karma, forward this article to everyone you |
| years on the rear. This pair works great to keeps | | | | know who has an email address. |